Consent isn't permanent.
- Jul 13
- 3 min read
Updated: 21 hours ago
When I hear the word "consent" I immediately think of my body.
But consent isn't just what we see on the surface.
It's what we feel—at a cellular level—in every role we play.
Every day, we practice consent.
With our time.
Our energy.
Our attention.
Our emotional labor.
Our reputation.
Many of us have been taught that consent is a one-time decision—
versus of a living, breathing choice.
So, we stay.
in relationships
at jobs
inside friendships
tied to organizations
with commitments
...long after our consent has evaporated.
We don't stay because we still want to be there.
We believe leaving makes us a quitter.
The first time I understood consent—in this form—wasn't in a romantic relationship.
It was inside the first company I co-founded.
At the time, I was responsible for...
acquiring new business
managing our marketing
creating our communications
stewarding our company culture
running our social media accounts
leading multiple Fortune 100 clients
building and maintaining our website
pitching and securing media coverage
ordering and mailing out our damn swag
...and countless other responsibilities that had slowly become "mine."
I was required to play all of these roles—not because I had agreed to them.
But because my consent to them was never considered.
More than two years in, I was drowning.
When I asked for help, I was ignored, dismissed, rejected.
So, I started putting down work that I knew was never mine to carry alone.
I refused to continue participating in agreements I had never willingly made.
I'll never forget what my co-founders said to me.
"We're really disappointed you've decided to opt out."
Six months earlier, I would have rushed to prove them wrong.
I would have apologized.
Worked harder.
Taken on more.
Done whatever I could to avoid being seen as someone who didn't exceed expectations.
But this time, I finally saw what they hoped I would never realize.
I never opted into this.
The terms had been negotiated—without my consent.
This happens to each of us—every day:
Staying too long in relationships whose end is overdue
Doing unpaid work at our company because we care
Shouldering an inequitable amount of domestic labor at home
Allowing our children's lives to eclipse our own
Breaking our boundaries in order to "keep the peace"
We agree to one relationship.
Then, little by little...
The expectations change.
The reciprocity disappears.
The emotional labor multiplies.
The goalposts move.
The spirit of what began is no longer true.
Women are taught that commitment means staying.
But what happens when the woman who entered into the agreement no longer exists?
Healthy commitment has never required permanent consent.
It requires ongoing choice.
It begs us to ask the question:
Is this still working?
This question has changed my life.
Because when we ask: is it still working?
It honors that it once did.
It removes shame from now answering what used to be a "yes" with a "no."
It creates permission to make a different choice.
Consent isn't permanent.
The agreements that shape your life deserve to be revisited.
Again.
And again.
And again.
You don't have to do this alone.
If you are standing at the edge of a life that no longer fits, you need support to make a different choice.
If you felt something shift as you read this...
If this resonates, I want you with us.
Join the HYPE WOMEN email community at hypewomen.com/subscribe.
xoxo,
Erin
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